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Burning // Naota
Posted on 2011.06.11 at 01:23
It's funny how captivated by nostalgia I am. How all I have left of the person I was is this ghost I see in old photographs and read in these words.

I wonder how completely naive and small-minded I still am, and whether this jaded feeling, this dead end I've found myself facing, will help me to burst fourth in the way I'd always predicted I would.

I have not enjoyed the slow, painful mutation from adolescence into adulthood thus far. I feel like the only people who do are people whose motivations carry them, whose passions are honed, whose promise is surest. I don't presume that these people are happy, but I do imagine that they feel some satisfaction or relief at their success, at the very least, even if other things press down upon them. They at least know that, jaded and numb as they are, that their choices led them to that place.

I don't know how I got here. I don't know where all my warmth went. I feel as though gave it too freely and woke up to find my hitherto bottomless supply of genuine kindness depleted. Even that thought fills me with deep panic, causes me to stir and scramble for the things I used to be, the innocence and positivity I once had, but I don't know where it is.

I don't want to grow in this direction. The problem is that I now live in a vicious cycle, where my self-consciousness perpetuates my desire for solitude and my inability to reach out to people beyond my girlfriend. I have friends who love me dearly still, or rather, who love the person I was and the person I may still be, but the person that they love is not who I am now. I feel grotesque, I feel like a husk.

It is a relief to know that the situation is internal, however. Change is possible, and it is up to me, which is something I relish. I do not like blaming other people for my feelings, even though it is and always will be my connections and interactions with other people that chart my course in the struggle for growth, because that's how I measure my worth. In me is a fuse, somewhere, it's just mustering the courage to ignite it.

Courage. That is what I need, because fear is what cripples me.

Fear of dropping out of college.

Fear of letting my family down.

Fear of letting Liz down.

Fear of giving my heart to others.

The last might be the worst for me. I never, ever thought I would feel that way, I was certain that, if nothing else, I would always be able to take care of others, to show them kindness, to pick them up, and that has fueled me for so long. But maybe that's the problem- maybe I was never really being kind for anyone but myself. I never did anything out of greed or spite in my youth, but I ended up hurting people, destroying people, just the same. I always wondered why it happened, and why I could do nothing to stop it. In the end, though, their assessments of the pain I had caused them were nearer the truth than I could have predicted, though they were never really true in the purest sense of the word, either.

Humans are miraculous in that they can analyze their own emotions, and in some cases, choose to fabricate, alter or distort them for gain or protection. This marvel only stretches so far, though; everyone has a point where primal, overwhelming feeling surpasses rational thought and becomes irrevocable, blinding truth- a sort of intoxicant, a driving force. I've let my lust, my affection, drive other people into the ground, time after time, all the while wondering what the hell I was doing wrong, how love could cause such destruction. In the past two years, I have lost three people I loved, all in very, very different senses, and though it took a long time, the resulting damage has hit with a sweeping force. It altered me. It stripped me of everything I had to give. In my current state, I am petrified of reaching out and showing love to people.

Inadequacy is not easily cured, but I want to try. I want to take this time, now, in quiet, slow, calculated and thorough movements, to grow. Not to rip off all my layers and start at the beginning, but to move gently through each level, taking time to repair the damage and restore balance. I want to be a person who can love again, a person on whom others can rely, and a person whom I, above all other people, am proud of.

And I suppose it begins here.

If you still follow me on here, you should honestly unfollow this journal, because I need somewhere to unload my excess of complicated, childish thoughts and whiny bullshit, and this is the only place quiet enough for me to do it. I won't be editing, cutting it or friends locking it. I don't give a shit. I haven't used LJ socially in years, and I really don't think I ever will again. Just warning you.

oAo // Nishi

NMB48 Babies.

Posted on 2010.10.15 at 01:14
Tags: ,
Current visual list, including shots from audition footage.

Under here;Collapse )

maibbs // Pokemon

POKEMONkJLASDjls

Posted on 2010.09.16 at 22:04
Current Music: Include Me Out -- Robyn
Tags:
Ahhhhh! I've been constantly excited since I discovered the Isshu Reigon dex leak yesterday. Such a neat new assortment! It still feels a bit like they're fake, but I know they'll blend well eventually. I think the types and designs are really unique and pretty damn cool.

At this point, I have a tentative team plotted out, though of course, it's subject to change..

Cut for spoilers!Collapse )

Ack, have to run back to work. Expect more screaming later. XD

No One's Lost // Hogwarts

And we still hear the echoes of abandon..

Posted on 2010.09.13 at 01:48
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Tags: , , ,


Please take a moment to listen.Collapse )


I am dancing with my friends in elation
We’ve taken adventures to new levels of fun
I can feel the bones are smiling in my body
I can see the meltings of inhibition

Oh this state of ecstasy
Nothing but road could ever give to me
This liberty, wind in my face
And I’m giggling again for no reason.

( should you need it. )


It's been a long time since I had a birthday quite like this one. Maybe twenty-two won't be so scary after all.

Perform // SKE

We Can Fight Our Desires, But When We Start Making Fires...

Posted on 2010.09.07 at 10:42
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Tags: ,


New hair, yaaaaaaah. Didn't have enough of my signature colour to do my whole head, so I thought I'd improvise. XD This is SFX Atomic Pink & Cupcake Pink mixed with Manic Panic New Rose (sooo worried about how it is going to fade @ A@ ), with a splash of MP Electric Banana underneath in the front. I'm pretty happy with how it came out, even if my poor head is fried and in need of a serious trim..

I think the only other thing worth mentioning (at least until weekend festivites/Black and White get released/I post the new mix I've been working on) is that I currently want a Gloomy Bear for the first time in my life. XD Don't get me wrong, I've always respected Gloomy and all, but he was never really tuned to my aesthetic until now.



... Messy Party Gloomy is the cutest dude. Must find.


....Anyway, work now, byeeeeee~


Cute // Angel

Disney-Pixar Fanart Dump.

Posted on 2010.09.06 at 03:15
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Tags:
Because I do Very Important Things in my free time.

Most of these are from Pixiv, but a couple are from dA. Thumbnailing them all because I am waaaay too lazy to resize.

Photobucket

You would not believe how much Japan likes Buzz and Woody as boyfriends.Collapse )

Man, I really have to do a Pokemon fanart dump, as well; I have so much fanart saved! * A*

Had a totally amazing weekend with folks I love a whole lot. <3 Hope this week stays good. :3 Niiiight~

Rain // idk
Posted on 2010.09.03 at 03:30
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Alive -- Mondotek
Tags: ,

(Taken by the lovely seasalts)


Summer was surreal. A good one, overall, but.. different, I guess? not that I really expected anything less.

My birthday's next weekend. Twenty-two? It seems like an odd age to me. I dunno. Compared to the fuss that's turning twenty-one, there isn't anything too special about twenty-two, I guess? All in all, I'm just looking forward to seeing everyone more than anything else.

I got an email today asking if I wanted to renew my soon-to-expire livejournal subscription. I considered it, I thought about how little I use it... and I think I'd like to renew. Even if I don't use it too often, it's documented my life well over the past few years, and I don't really want to give up on it yet. Hell, I even cleaned out my userpics and tossed up a new layout to celebrate. ((sugar_and_synth))

I can smell fall in the air now. There's this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach, too; something like reaching the top of a roller coaster and looking down the steep tracks in front of you.

Bring it on, baby. ♡

Rainbow // Candy

Come out, Tigerlily, You're Caressing Me~

Posted on 2010.08.14 at 13:17
Current Mood: busybusy
Tags:
Figured I haven't posted in awhile, and the easiest way to summarize my emotions is through sound. Hope this treats you well. :3

Summer Dusk

A mix for August.
Get it here (Dropbox; 15.16MB)


tracksCollapse )

Peace. <3

maibbs // Pokemon

Days Five and Six.

Posted on 2010.06.28 at 13:53
Current Mood: awakeawake
Tags: ,
I have to update for the past couple days, which have been some of the best so far, but until then, I want everyone to do this meme so I can respond to yours. Yes, all five of you that still use LJ.

Whisper in my ear
♪ A love meme ♪


Alsooo real quick..

NEW POKEMON STUFFCollapse )

Later, folks. <3

Bright // Rainbow

Day Four.

Posted on 2010.06.26 at 13:51
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Tags: ,
I spent all day yesterday with Jennifer, my best friend. We drove around listening to all our old favorite songs, shopping and eating delicious Mongolian BBQ. It's the first time we've been alone together in over a year, and I really needed it. We can still talk effortlessly, and I know that as much as we have both grown and changed, we're still the same people underneath.

We ended the outing by driving up to the high school and walking to the spot we used to eat lunch at every day. Everything about the visit was surreal; the quality of the light, the smell of the grass, the colours of the buildings and hallways. It's been years, but at that moment, we both literally felt like we were going back. As much as I bitched and moaned about high school, there will always be a part of me that is tied there because of the people I met and the things that I learned about myself. I just wish I could say the same for everyone else...

We grabbed Liz and Trevor and went to see Toy Story 3 at a drive-in theatre. As cute of an idea as this was, I really don't recommend it for a movie like TS3, where the details are super important. Between headlights shining on the screen, a full moon and having to sit in Trevor's backseat for the whole film, it was certainly not the most flawless viewing I've ever been to. I'm glad that Liz cried as much as I did just the same, though. <3

Still no photos or anything. Surprise, surprise. I guess I've been so caught up in everything, I haven't really had time to think about it. Maybe today?


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